Trinity Wars
by Genius-626
Summary: SPOOF ALERT! Neo and his best friend Desmond are both in love with Trinity and are fighting to see who knoews her best. How will the all knowing Morpheus try and solve the problem? Based on the story "The Matrix: A Mind Set Free" by Warlord Darnell
1. The Chicken Suit Dream

**A/N: **_**Spoof Alert!**_** Buckle up and keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the vehicle at all times, make sure not to be drinking anything while reading in case of the chance that you might actually laugh, and remember, no amount of crack is ever suppose to be taken seriously :)**__

**Besides the exciting fact that this is my fourth spoof, this is a special fanfic, written by the request of ****Warlord Darnell****. Important! I'm using his OC, Desmond, from the story "The Matrix: A Mind Set Free." Please enjoy :)**

Trinity Wars

"MORPHEUS!"

Morpheus was half-asleep when he heard his name echoing through the metal corridors of his ship. His captain was the worst person to wake up in the middle of the night, Neo knew, but right now, Morpheus' wrath was the least of his problems.

"MOR. FEE. US!"

"Neo! You're going to attract _sentinels_ you're so loud!" Desmond hissed from inside their shared cabin.

Neo spun around dramatically to give Desmond a death stare/Saturday Night Fever dance move for the purpose of intimidation when he tripped over his own boots in surprise. He looked back up and stared at Desmond in confusion—he was wearing a chicken suit.

"What and why!" Neo demanded, pointing a finger at Desmond once he got to his feet again. "And, a, how?"

"How? I changed, like, a _half hour ago _after youstormed out of our room after our argument. You've been yelling for Morpheus this entire time! It's a mystery why you haven't woken anyone else."

Little did Desmond know that the entire crew was used to Neo's outbursts and all slept with earplugs.

Neo stared. "Were we arguing?"

"_Yes. _We were fighting about who knows Trinity best, remember? Then you were going to get Morpheus to be the judge."

"Ok, then. Why the feathers?" Neo asked again.

"I heard Trinity likes chickens." Desmond replied in a know-it-all tone of voice. "And since I've awakened her apparent love of music, I thought I'd surprise her this morning by doing the chicken dance!" He then demonstrated his dance while humming the song.

Neo watched this with far away eyes. Then an outburst: "Shit! *face palm* Why didn't _I_ think of that?" Then something dawned on him. "Wait, who told you this?"

"Tank." Desmond said, still in the midst of dancing.

Neo smiled, knowing Tank's true reasoning for telling Desmond such a lie.

Just then, Trinity walked in. "Neo, why _on earth_ are you yelling for Morpheus? You _know_ how irritable he is in the middle of the night!"

"He can't be _that_ bad." Desmond said.

Trinity turned to face Desmond when she went wide eyed at his costume. She pointed at him accusingly. "What and why and how!"

"Do you like it?" Desmond asked a bit seductively before she tackled him to the ground and put him in a head lock.

"What the—" he couldn't finish, his head repeatedly driven into the metal floor. Once he stopped fighting for his freedom, Trinity let him go, taking a few steps back and dusting her hands off. Neo was doubled over in laughter, tears escaping his eyes.

"What the hell was _that_ for?" Desmond asked once he had enough strength to look up.

"Trinity *wheeze* has a phobia *snort* of chickens!" Neo said between laughs, trying to calm down. Trinity then walked off to wash her hands, disgusted even if it was only a chicken costume she pummeled.

"Then why would she beat me up if she's _afraid _of chickens?" Desmond asked incredulously.

Neo took a deep breath, his hands on his knees, looking down at Des. "Can you seriously imagine Trinity _scared _of something? She reverts to kicking-ass when in any type of situation, duh. Actually, I think the phobia started as a bad childhood experience in the sixth grade. Had something to do with a field trip to a pumpkin patch, a runaway llama, and a bulldozer incident." Neo stood up straight and took another deep breath, wiping a tear from his eye, this now being a genuine tear, a shake now present in his voice. "Poor little pumpkins, they never had a chance."

"And just _how_ does that have _anything_ to do with _chickens_?" Desmond asked, standing up, hiding his genuine sympathy for the smashed pumpkins.

Neo stared at him for a moment. Then: "What are we talking about?"

"About Trinity's—oh whatever!" Desmond threw his hands in the air in defeat, remembering that he was still in a chicken suit.

Tank rushed in, seeing the two of them standing in the hallway. He saw Desmond's worse for wear chicken suit and face palmed. "I _missed_ it!"

"Wait!" Desmond said while stepping out of the chicken suit. "How did _you_ know about Trinity's chicken phobia?"

Neo absentmindedly stared at Des while taking a lemon from his pocket, slicing it into wedges with a knife from the other pocket, and promptly biting into one. He held a straight face for about two seconds until the he couldn't rebel against the sour any longer. He was still recovering from the lemon, wondering why his attempts at metaphors were always painful while Morpheus' were just plain boring. He finally answered. "She told me, _duh_. In a rather…_intimate_ scene I might add."

"What?"

"I won't tell you the details, but it had something to do with a hot tub, a grand piano, and ten pounds of chocolate cake."

"You guys are _boring_." Tank commented, leaning uninterestedly on the wall. "Brawl it out! Have an all out fight over her if you're gonna fight over her! God, where's the entertainment?" Tank looked around. "Is Morpheus even up yet?"

"How could he _not_ be? Neo's been screaming 'MORPHEUS!' practically all night!" Without knowing it, Desmond triggered the most lethal weapon on the entire ship.

Rumbles were heard from above; metal was shaken at the awakening of the beast. Trinity ran in, looking at the trio of men in disbelief. "Guys, we have to get out of here!"

"Why?" Desmond asked. "It's just Morpheus."

"Not at _this_ hour." Trinity said, shaking her head. "And it's Sunday. He's worse on Sunday."

Just then, Morpheus came crashing down from the ceiling. He stood heroically in a Captain America outfit, plastic shield and all. In a matter of seconds, he was doubled over in pain, lying down in the fetal position. "_That was so unexpectedly painful_!" After a few minutes of wallowing in pain, he got up and regained his heroic stance.

"Now _that's_ entertainment!" Tank said, satisfied.

Before they knew it, Morpheus had both Neo and Desmond by the shirt collar. Morpheus was dragging them to the core.

"You two are going to have a dignified fight like _real men_!" Morpheus said, throwing both onto jack-in chairs.

"Hold on, Morpheus," Neo said. "If you're Captain America, then why are you encouraging us to fight? Isn't he supposed to be all like 'justice and the American way?'"

"Well," Morpheus began, this 'well' the same 'well' that starts all of his cryptic explanations of what exactly "the American way" is and how society in America is in the midst of crumbling because of the self inflicted illusions that people live by to escape the reality that is a crashing economy, besides the fact that they already live subconsciously knowing the illusion that is the Matrix—

"Stop right there!" Tank yelled. "I know where this is going! Just plug them in already!"

"Jeez, Tank, way to crush a man's dream of realistically portraying a classic Marvel character." Neo said, leaning back to be plugged in. "With the way their movies are being mass produced, justice will never be served especially if the same actor who played The Human Torch played Captain America. Not to mention that you can't walk into a Disney store and not find Marvel merchandise—"

Neo was now in the Matrix. He looked around, confused. He was in the middle of a Chucky Cheese.

"Tank? What and why?" Neo asked from his cell phone.

"Desmond's request. Said it would level the playing field."

"We already leveled the playing field! He brought his broadsword, didn't he?"

Just then, his hand was sliced off, falling to the purple carpeted floor. Some children ran away in horror, others standing either in fear or awe.

"What?" he said to the children screaming in terror. "Just a flesh wound." He then turning to face his now white haired best friend/rival. "And how exactly does this level the—" Something shiny and colorful caught Neo's attention, so he darted towards it. It was a claw machine.

Desmond laughed. "Only I, your best friend/rival, know your true weakness, Neo!"

"Noooo!" Neo screamed in defeat, having failed at winning the pink teddy bear. He turned to Desmond. "What were you saying? Something about me and Trinity belonging together? "

"No! I was saying how I know your weakness and I've taken us here to exploit it!"

"What, you mean my ADD?" Neo said through his dark glasses. He rolled his eyes, and only by his highly exaggerated head roll was Desmond aware of this. "*Pshh,*I got over that a _long_ time ago…" as he said this, he moved towards a racing game and sat in the chair, promptly getting up and walking towards a pin ball machine all the while leaving a trail of blood behind him.

"Let's get this over with!" Desmond yelled, standing in his I'm-ready-to-kick-ass stance.

Neo passively looked over to him. "Are we still fighting about this? Dude, I know Trinity better than you, we're meant to be, ask the Oracle, end of story."

"How can you possibly know her better than me?" he retorted, pointing his sword and his gun in Neo's face. "I was freed, like, three days after you were…or something. That's not a lot of time."

"True, for loners."

"What?"

"It was love at first sight, you wouldn't know!"

This verbal argument went on for quite a while, both Morpheus and Tank asleep at the feed. Then, after an intense battle of wits—"I know you are, but what am I?"—they began to _*actually* _fight. Desmond was a pro with his weapons, but Neo had the advantage of being able to bend the Matrix at will. After the police came and tried to arrest them for disturbing the peace—namely destroying the place as well as the minds of some small children—it eventually became a speedy highway chase, Neo balancing on top of an ice cream truck while Desmond was driving a stolen car.

Trinity was watching both men intently, still internally conflicted, being in love with both of them at the same time. She took the head set and called Neo.

Neo, having jumped off the ice cream truck and into Desmond's vehicle, was in a death grip courtesy of Desmond while he was still at the wheel. When Neo heard his phone ring, he elbowed his friend/rival in a place that should never be elbowed and was free instantaneously.

"Hey, I'm in the middle of a very important—oh, hey Trin." He then motioned to the phone with his stub of a hand and mouthed the words "it's Trinity." Desmond was still doubled over in excruciating pain, trying to keep his eyes on the road. "What up, beautiful?...What? You want to talk to both of us?...Fine." He put it on speaker.

"Guys, I want you to stop fighting before you kill each other. You're best friends!"

"Tell that to Des, he's the one in denial." Neo said.

"Me? You're the one who actually thinks you're in a relationship with the woman I'm in a relationship with!"

"De. Nial." Neo said, half listening.

"Would you two—_Watch out_! You're on the wrong side of the—"

…

Desmond woke up screaming. He looked around frantically, realizing that he was in his room on the Neb. He looked over, having just woken up Neo.

"Sorry, man." He said apologetically. "Did you get crazy dreams after being freed?"

"Oh yeah." Neo said, shaking his head. "I've been there. First dream I had, we weren't even roommates. I was freed, Cypher betrayed us all and killed at least four of us, Trinity confessed her love for me and I could fly. Weirdest dream ever."

Desmond laughed. "Yeah, pretty weird."

The End.


	2. Double Dating Dilemmna

**A/N: Too long of a wait, I know. Anyway, I hope I can pull this off, it took me a while to think of how to execute my plan. So enjoy :)**

Trinity Wars: Double Date Dilemma

"You _what?_" Desdemona almost screamed.

"Shhh! They'll hear you!" Trinity said, her voice a loud whisper.

"Sorry." Desdemona said, lowering her voice, her energy still at a high. "But Desmond will be crushed when he finds out!"

"He can't find out, and neither can Neo, I know how he feels about him."

"Then _why on earth_ did you buy this Justin Beiber Christmas album? It's like poison to the ears!"

"I told you, I didn't buy it, some jerk must have swiped my Michael Buble Christmas album with it when I was in the market. Anyway, that wasn't even the secret I was going to tell you."

"Oh really? Thank God, I thought you were a Beiber hater."

"What? You just said his voice was like poison to the ears."

"That was because I thought you were a hater, but now that you're not…" she then took out her headphones and took the CD out of its case, placing it into her portable CD player. Before she could even push play, her eyes widened when she saw what else was in the grocery bag.

"You got banana flavored ice cream? No one likes that stuff! That is way worse than accidently buying this CD, which is now mine by the way."

"No, that's not it!" Trinity practically broke her whisper. "I accidently agreed to date both Neo and Desmond tonight! _At the same time_!"

"What? Why would you do that?"

"I panicked, Ok?" Trinity replied, cautiously looking around to see if either Neo or Desmond had come out of their rooms. "It's too late to call it off. I could ditch one of them—"

"No!" Desdemona warned. "You can't back out now, from either of them. You've never seen my brother with a broken heart before! Or Tom, who isn't as bad as my brother, but still—"

"I'm sure it wouldn't hurt them too bad."

"No. Trust me. It's _not_ pretty."

"Can we flashback already?"

"Yeah, sure."

FLASHBACK. Matrix

"Desmond, get down from there!" Desdemona yelled from the ground. Her twin brother was currently on the roof of a Carl's Junior singing into a microphone he'd somehow hooked up, practically clawing at his guitar.

"_Tis the season to be jolly," _He belted between sobs. "_but how can I be when I have nobody, the yuletide carol doesn't make it better, knowing that we won't be together_!"

"Des! It's the beginning of March! It isn't even close to being Christmas!"

"Yeah, I said the same thing." Neo, Tom then, said as he came out of the Carl's Junior with a cheeseburger. He was still in uniform, having been working there for a few weeks now, not able to keep a real job while in his current hacking frenzy. "It's the most depressing song he could think of."

"Did you help him?" Desdemona question incredulously.

"Nope." An obvious lie. "You didn't hear it from me, but I hear he bribed one of the employees."

"Bribed? Des doesn't have any money."

"With money? No way, he's on cleaning duty in the apartment for the rest of year!"

Just then, they could hear police sirens in the distance.

"My boss also said if I didn't call the police, he'd skip this month's pay."

"_A silent night, I know it's gonna be, joy to the world, but it's gonna be sad for me, what do the lonely do, at Christmas_?"

"Who'd he break up this time?" Tom asked. "I lost count of his break-ups."

"It was Natalie, don't you remember? He took her hear not three days ago."

"Her name was Natalie?"

The police parked, the sirens quieted. One came out and restrained from plugging his ears with his fingers. He looked to Tom. "Again?"

Tom nodded. "Again."

"You're his friend, aren't you?"

"We're roommates."

"If I were you, I'd do him a favor and stop him from dating in general."

"I'll try officer." He saluted.

"Good."

"_Oh, oh, what do the lonely doooo…at Christmas time—__" _Then, without warning, he started screaming_. "I hate everything about you, why do I love you, I hate everything about you, why do I love you_?"

"Well," Tom said, "At least he switched to a Three Days Grace song, that's at least relevant."

Before anyone could react further to this mental torture, a truck labeled "ZOO KEEPERS ORGANIZATION OF THE WORLD" pulled up and screeched to a halt leaving tracks on the pavement. Five apparent zoo keepers ran out in urgency. Four stood around looking heroic while only one had a weapon. He shot a dart at Desmond, and in that instant, the target was knocked out.

"Hazzah! The beast has been tranquilized!" the five roared.

"Beast?" Desdemona said in confusion tinged with rage. "That was my brother you just tranquilized!"

"What? It wasn't a new species of ape? Damn." They then packed up and left, discouraged.

"Where the hell did they come from?" Desda asked as they drove off. She turned to Tom, who was trying desperately to contain his laughter. Desdemona pushed him. "_You_ called them?"

He then split into laughter. "What were the police gonna do? They just leave every time with a warning!"

Desdemona then realized that the police had already left.

END OF FLASHBACK

"Wow." Trinity said. "What does Neo do? Lock himself in his room."

"No, he makes viruses and sends them to the girls who broke up with him. Then he ends up helping them get it off their computer."

"Tricky." Trinity admitted. "Lucky for me, I'm too smart for that. But Desmond…I don't think we can leave him to chance. He might get Neo to hack into the main frame and amplify his Christmas song throughout the entire city."

Just then, Morpheus came in and rummaged through the grocery bag. Finding the Justin Beiber album cover, he pocketed it and walked out.

Trinity punched the table. "I knew it was him."

"Trinity." Desdemona said, bringing her back into the conversation. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I'll have to date both of them at the same time. Too bad there's only one of me…" as soon as she said this, an idea emerged. "He Desda…"

She got the message. "Oh no. There is no way—"

"I'll go back to the market and get chocolate ice cream—"

"Fine! Bribe me with deliciousness!" she sighed. "What's the plan?"

"Well, I'm sure Desmond would know if it was you or not, he can probably smell you from a mile away."

"So _I'll_ be dating Tom?" Desda said, excited.

"Hold on, he's still _my_ boyfriend. You have to act like me, remember?"

"Totally, it'll be a cinch." She then put on a pair of sunglasses and stood up perfectly straight. She spoke in monotone. "I'm Trinity. Don't mess with me or you die."

Trinity was not amused. "Well, Neo might be dumb enough to fall for it."

"How long should we be out? If we both show up back here at the same time, we'll be screwed. In a _bad_ way." Desda asked.

"Good point. I'll limit it to an hour. You can have two."

"Yes!" fist pump!

"Ok, pick an outfit. I'll see you in two hours."

…

"So…" Neo said, sitting at a table for two across from _Trinity, _trying to start conversation_. _"You look…different. Must be the…a…make up."

"What's wrong with make up?" Desda asked, trying with all her might to keep her voice to a "Trinity" volume.

"No! Uh, nothing's wrong, you, uh, just never wear it. More of a…" His mind was working now, the wheels were turning. "…more of a Desdemona thing to do."

"Oh, well, we are friends now." She said, trying to cover. "She told me to put it on, said it'd be nicer."

"Uh huh." Neo said, having his suspicions. He tried to be tactical and observing. He noticed the CD player that hung from her hip. It was Desdemona's, but the earphones were Trinity's.

"So," he began. "What are you listening to?"

Almost automatically, she answered. "JUSTIN BEI—I mean, Michael Beiber—I mean, Justin Buble—no!"

Neo took this further and stood up. "I knew it! Trinity would never mix up Justin Beiber with Michael Buble! What did you do to Trinity, Desda?"

She feared the worst, thinking he would see straight through their plot, but was confounded by his question. "What?"

"Come on. You've wanted to date me since we met. You must have locked Trinity in her closet or something! Ohmygosh she's probably knocked out in an ally somewhere! What'd you do to her?"

"Uh…" she was trying to think fast. "Yeah…I totally…uh, locked her in…" She glanced at her watch. It'd been an hour, she should be in her apartment by now. "The apartment! Yeah, she's—"

"Don't worry, Trin!" Neo exclaimed as he jumped onto the table. "I'll rescue you!" He then tried to jump off the table, but he slipped and fell. Everything went black.

…

When he woke up, Trinity was the only one on the room. She looked half asleep, eyes closed.

"Trin?" he said.

Her eyes opened and saw him and immediately went to him.

"I guess I missed our date?" he said, joking.

She smiled, Neo nowhere near to knowing the actual cause for her smile. That was one close call. Knocking him out, why hadn't she thought of that?

**For the record, I'm neither a Beiber hater nor lover. Hope I made you laugh :) **


End file.
